


Fairests of Them All

by wingedlioness



Series: bunny comedy [6]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, No Spoilers, Snow x Hook brotp, fluffy crack, guest appearance by Grumpy/Leroy, nebulously post s5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 21:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6488071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedlioness/pseuds/wingedlioness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snow has had enough when David and Emma get a frantic call from Leroy to break up a fight down at the Rabbit Hole. She decides that she and Hook are going to take care of it for them, and get her husband and daughter to take a break.<br/>At least, that was her intention...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fairests of Them All

Killian leapt to his feet as Emma and David came through the door. Snow laughed at his openly eager response to her return. David lifted an eyebrow at her as his daughter returned her paramour’s welcome and she paused the movie with a dramatic sigh. 

“We were just getting to the best part.”

David rolled his eyes as he placed his coat by the door.

“Oh, I’m so sorry that we interrupted your movie by coming home.”

She smirked at him and he leaned over to kiss her softly. 

“How was the...why did Happy call again?”

Snow shifted a cushion to allow him to slide in beside her, the two by the entrance still wrapped up in each other.

He dropped his head back and sighed. “He heard ‘a loud bang outside the pharmacy and saw no sign of Sneezy when he ran over so he just knew something had gone horribly wrong.’”

Snow chuckled. “So, Pongo got into the trash bins again and Sneezy was just in the back?”

“Yep.” David shook his head ruefully. “Let's hope that's it for today, I'd like to actually be home for a while.”

Right on cue, she could feel David's hip buzzing. 

“You have  _ got  _ to be- hello?” He visibly held the surly tone back as he answered. “Yeah, Emma was...busy but she's here too.” 

He shot his daughter a glare and she shrugged in return. 

“I turned it off,’” she mouthed at him, earning a grimace from David and an enthusiastic kiss from her boyfriend. 

Pinching between his eyes, David pulled the phone away from his ear slightly as Leroy’s volume increased. Snow took advantage of his distraction to admire the way his jaw clenched and accentuated his profile. Emma and Hook pulled apart again to send questioning glances their way. She shrugged as she dropped her head to David’s shoulder. She could hear Leroy clearly and started making soothing circles on her husband’s thigh. Snow watched out of the corner of her eye as Emma drew Hook’s forehead back to her own, obviously preparing for their little moment to be cut short. She held back a sigh as David drew more rigid beside her and Leroy’s voice cut in and out, the noise from the Rabbit Hole somehow managing to overpower him. It felt like the entire town couldn't function without calling them for every tiny thing.

Inspiration struck when he gave a final, resignated groan. “Fine, Leroy, we’ll be- “

“Leroy? It's me.” Snow pulled the phone from David’s hand. “Hook and I will be right there. Hold it together ‘til then.”

David gaped at her as she hung up. She glanced at Hook who nodded back, pleased grin on his face. It was gratifying that he was so quick on the uptake.

“What?” She asked sweetly.

“You can’t just- “

“Mom, Dad and I are the police- “

She waved them both into silence. Killian gave Emma a swift kiss on the nose and swept her into his arms. Snow squeezed David’s shoulder as she got to her feet and allowed Killian through to deposit Emma gently on the sofa beside her father. 

“You two need to relax. You, spend time with your son, once he wakes up. And you,” she pointed at Emma. “Relax, put your feet up. Play with your brother so your father can make all of us dinner.”

“Hey!”

“You’ve been wanting to make that weird chicken, bacon, and pasta whatever for forever, so don’t even pretend otherwise.”

David blushed, unable to fight her further on it. He had to admit, the opportunity to not go out on another “urgent” rainy day call was too good of one to pass up. A night at home with his kids, doing something as wonderfully domestic as making his family dinner? It sounded rather perfect. It helped that he knew there was no one dumb enough in Storybrooke, nor any other realm, to mess with both Snow White and Captain Hook. Snow good-naturedly shoved Hook out the door while he blew an exaggerated kiss to Emma. As the door latched shut, David turned to Emma. She shrugged and grabbed the remote from the table. 

“Sweet! Imhotep is just about to finish off the Americans!”

She settled back and David curled his arm around her shoulders. 

“Pretty sure your mother will kill us for watching the rest without her. She adores this movie.”

“Yeah, well too bad. She’s the one that decided she wanted to play Sheriff. I say she gets the full experience. Including missing the movie.”

David chuckled. “You know we’ll just end up watching it again, right?”

Emma rolled her eyes at him. “Only because you can't say no to her. Now shh.”

He could hear the pirate’s inquiring tones and his wife’s laugh carrying up the stairwell as he finally let himself relax. 

***

David looked at the clock. It had been several hours and Snow and Hook still weren’t back. Grumpy had made the bar brawl out to be the worst thing in the world, but he knew it should’ve just taken Snow and Hook walking in and glowering until everyone calmed down. He poured the pasta into the skillet, sniffing happily at the bacon and garlic scent that filled the loft. A loud baby giggle carried across the room; Emma pouring all her energy into giving her baby brother the best tickle of his life. David stirred the ingredients quickly and went to check his phone. Still nothing. 

“Hey, Emma?” He called over when she paused to let Neal regain his breath. 

“Yeah?” She continued making faces at her brother.

“Have you heard from Hook? Or your mother?”

“Uh,” she glanced around for her phone. “Lemme just find, oh right, pocket.” Emma held the device out of reach of Neal’s grabby hands. “No. Oh wow, it’s already past 8. Do you think everything’s ok?”

David frowned at food bubbling on the stove. “I think we would’ve heard from someone if it wasn't. It just seems odd.”

“Speak of the devil,” Emma showed David her screen, an image of a yelling Leroy lighting it up. “What's up, Leroy?”

David turned the heat down and covered the pan so he could join her by the couch. 

“Wait, slow down. So the fight is over, right?” He grimaced as he heard Leroy trying to speak over her questions. “Listen to me! One thing at a time. So, brawl: yes or no? Ok. So what's wrong now?” Emma gave her father a worried look. “Uh… Yeah. That's a problem. Ok, we’ll take care of it. Yes,  _ we _ will this time. Right.”

He could hear Leroy’s still complaining even as Emma ended the call.

“What happened?”

“Tell you what, Dad. You're the one who can't say no to Mom so this ‘case’ is all yours.” 

“What are you talking about?” Apprehension settled in his stomach. 

“Weeeell,” she leaned over to grab the baby before he toddled too far. “Turns out the new bartender was  _ so _ impressed that ‘Snow White’ and ‘Captain Hook’ came to his rescue that he gave them a bottle of a brand new rum they just got in.”

“But your mother can’t handle rum. Anything else, sure, but rum… Oh no.”

“Oh, yes. Last Leroy saw, after they roused the entire bar into a pirate-shanty-singalong frenzy, incidentally causing more damage than the brawl, they were giggling their way down Main St towards the docks.”

She grinned brightly at her father, his face covered by his hands. 

“They’re all yours, Dad!” 

She waved her and Neal’s hand at him before grabbing his jacket and shoving it at him. 

He groaned loudly as he thumped his way to the door.

***

David threw the truck into park and peered out the windshield. The docks looked deceptively peaceful. Thankfully the rain had stopped, but everywhere still felt deserted. He cut the engine and muted refrains instantly reached his ears. He fought the urge to turn the car back on and drive away. He was Prince Charming. He could handle an inebriated princess and pirate. 

He climbed out, not bothering to shut the door gently. It’s not like anyone would hear it over the carousing miscreants anyway. Resignedly, he approached the two silhouettes swaying on the deck of the Jolly Roger.

“My turn, my turn, my turn!”

“I bow to her lady’s demands.” The taller shape bowed dramatically.

The smaller one giggled and cupped her hands near her mouth. “Alright. HI HO, HI HO, IT’S OFF TO WORK WE GO!”

David winced as her booming voice echoed off the water. If they’re at Disney songs, his window of time to get them before Granny came to take matters into her hands was shrinking rapidly. Killian’s baritone joined in and David found himself jogging down to the ship. Thankfully, the ‘singing’ trailed off quickly as he could hear Snow getting distracted. 

“HI HO Hi ho, the dwarves never said that while _ I _ was around. Mirror mirror on the wall, I wonder if Regina ever said that.”

“Ah from the enchanting hand drawn version of your tale yes? Where the Evil Queen was jealous of your beauty, was it?”

“Yep! She wanted to be fairest of them all, but nope. That was all me. Me me me. Although I think you could give me a run for my money.”

“Why thank you, Your Highness. ...And I’m to assume that does not mean the actions of a pickpocket?”

“Noooo silly.” David could hear her thwacking Hook’s arm as he finally reached the ramp. “It means that you would also be the fairest. Or a fairest.  _ We’d _ be the fairests.”

“To us then! To the fairests in the land!”

David reached the deck in time to watch his wife toast a nearly empty bottle with Killian’s flask. 

“Dave! Welcome aboard!” 

“Charming! Hi Charming!!” Snow waved at him enthusiastically before turning to Killian. “Did y’know I call him Charming?”

“I believe I have heard that, m’lady. One of those ironic nom de guerre, is it?”

She launched herself at David’s arms, laughing uncontrollably. Hook teetered over to them unsteadily. 

“It totally was. He was so rude, y’know?” Snow’s eyes sparkled up at him. He tried not to wince as she spoke a touch too loudly to her drinking buddy, not bothering to take her eyes off her husband. “He was rude rude rude. But he can be y’know? Charming.”

With a sigh, she let her body fall against his, not bothering to support her own weight anymore.

“Easy there!” David gathered her up in his arms before looking to the lounging pirate beside them. “I hope you don’t need a lift to the car too?”

Hook winked salaciously before leading the way back down to the docks. 

“Tempting as your offer may be, mate, I prefer a more tender touch.”

“Ugh,” David groaned. “I do not need to hear that. Ever.” 

“Did you hear? Your lovely wife has declared me fairest in the land.”

“I heard.”

“Do you think Swan would agree? I would hate for her to be disappointed in the prettiness of my countenance.” He paused at the pavement, suddenly forlorn.

“Tell you what,” David shifted his wife in his arms. “Why don’t you get in the back of the truck and you can ask her yourself?”

“Grand idea, mate!”

Hook hopped over the guardrail and bounced his way to the back of the car. David supposed he should be glad that his daughter’s boyfriend was at least a happy drunk.

Snow tightened her hold around his neck and buried her face below his chin. 

“Sheriff Chisel Chin,” she giggled. “Didn’t you say Cruella called you that?”

He just sighed. Kissing her temple softly, he went to place her in the passenger seat. Before he could get her strapped in, she roused and pushed her way past him. 

“Snow, where are you- “

She shoved her left hand in his face. “I have to sit with the captain. He promised me a spot on his ship if I got the ring and I did, didn't I?” 

She swayed a little as Killian cheered something intelligible from the truck bed. David folded his arms and watched her stagger her way to the back. When she and Killian managed to get her in safely, up and sitting, he shook his head and closed the passenger door. Thankfully it wasn't far back to the loft, and by not having his rowdy passengers in the cab he was a bit more optimistic about preserving his eardrums. The motion of the truck seemed soothe the drunken pair. In fact, they were quiet for long enough that David found himself keeping an eye on the rearview mirror.

"You know, Your Highness, you would've made an excellent pirate."   
"You think?" Snow answered sleepily.   
"Aye!” Killian nodded sagely. “That's what you should've done! Bid the flat land and forests goodbye and joined up with a crew! Would've kept you out of the Evil Queen's vengeful reach. Free of monarchs and corrupt nobility and the tedium of the landlocked.” David saw Killian throw his hook out emphatically, nearly hitting a mailbox. “Forget this nonsense of ‘buying passage’! You should’ve gone up to a captain and demanded to join the crew. No more scurrying for wealth nor allies. You would’ve been free.”

David slowed down to a crawl as they pulled up to the apartment. 

“Y’know Killian?” She murmured sleepily. “Y’make it sound really nice. M’ybe that’s what I should’ve done.”

“Killian?”

“Mm?”

“Do y’think you would’ve taken me on? As crew?”

“You would’ve been a fine navigator, Lady Snow. And as your presence would’ve stuck it to another royal, you can be damned sure you would’ve had a place aboard the Jolly Roger.”

“What about the stars?”

“The stars?”

“Were they pretty from a ship?”

“There’s no sight like it,” he said softly. “Only thing I’ve seen that outshines them is your daughter’s eyes.

David rolled his eyes as he undid his seatbelt and went to check on his passengers. The two were lying companionably in the back, eyes closed even as they continued conversing. He didn’t even bother trying to rouse them to get them upstairs before heading in. The rain had stopped and the change in weather brought warmer air with it. That and he had a little payback to dish out to his daughter.

His daughter that had gotten dinner off the stove, placed around at the table, the table set, and was now reading a story to her nearly asleep brother. Sometimes he forgot how much more experience she had at this (even if it was from Regina’s false memories). It almost made him feel guilty for what he was about to do.

Emma looked up as she finished the book and paused confusedly when she saw her father enter, alone. 

“Is everything ok? Did you find them?” She whispered.

David shed his jacket and gently took the baby from her arms.

“I did. They're fine.” He rocked his son, letting him resettle before heading to the crib. “And, to quote something I heard recently, ‘they're all yours,’ Sheriff.” 

Emma frowned up at him, his purposeful focus on the baby not deterring her. 

“What did you do with them?”

“I imagine at this point, they're probably soundly passed out in the back of the truck.”

“Dad!”

He raised his finger to his lips quickly and pointed to the barely sleeping child. She glowered in response before heading upstairs. A moment later she came down, a mountain of blankets trailing behind her. His lips flickered as he suppressed a laugh. She threw him a final withering look before shutting the door behind her quietly. He cradled Neal for few minutes before laying him down. No sooner was he settled did the phone start vibrating again. A flurry of texts lit up his screen. 

**Emma: thanks.**

**Emma: you better believe this is not over.**

**Emma: you're stuck alone with the baby and all the cleaning now.**

**Emma: you have to deal with the morning after.**

**Emma: and you owe me dinner. a really good one.**

**Emma: and Mom and Hook are Never. Drinking. Together. Again.**

Before he could respond, a picture came through. His wife's head was barely visible under the monstrous comforter Emma had evidently covered her in. Dominating the foreground, his daughter’s eyes were glaring from under a leather clad arm that was obviously trapping her within its embrace. 

Oops. It was probably a mistake asking Emma to go down there when Killian was touchy-feely enough when sober. David turned to his infant tucked away nearby. “Well buddy, looks it's just you and me sleeping in the house tonight.” 

He was relieved he had seen the number of blankets she dragged down with her. At least he wouldn't be worried about any of them getting cold overnight. He looked around at the pile of dishes and food still sitting out at the table. Crap.  He may not have thought his “revenge” through properly...


End file.
